Stop Hating Yourself for Something that Happened to You
First, what happened to you was not your fault. You cannot control other people. You could not control if someone decides to assault you. Hence, you are not to take responsibility or blame your self for the abuse. Many survivors get trapped in guilt ridden thoughts of “What could I have done to prevent this?” “What if I would have fought back or screamed?” “I should have seen the warning signs and not have been there.” All of these thoughts are called hindsight bias. In hindsight, we can look back and recognize warning signs or wonder if changing one small thing would have made this event not happen. However, this thought process is not helpful for your healing. Instead, of hating yourself for what you think you could have done, lets try these steps towards developing a compassionate mindset:
What is self-compassion?
According to research studies provided by Kristin Neff, there are three positive elements and three negative elements that influence how compassionate you are to yourself. The negative and positive elements correlate with each other: self-kindness versus self-judgement, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identified emotions. For example, when we are judgmental towards ourselves, we are not engaging in self-kindness.
Being Kind to Yourself
When you tell yourself “you are so stupid for being there. You should have left,” that feels pretty critical. The way we change that is by identifying when we are being mean to ourselves, pausing, and think about what you would tell a friend. Most of the time, we treat others way nicer than we treat ourselves. So, if this isn’t something you would say to a friend, then you should say it to your self. Treat yourself with the same love you would give to someone else. You get to decide if you want to be your worst enemy or best friend.
Coping Through Common Humanity
Common Humanity means reminding yourself that other people in the world are struggling with the same things you are going through too. One of the worst feelings when you are healing from trauma is feeling like you’re crazy and that no one understands your experience. According to recent studies through RAINN ((Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) every 68 seconds someone in the United States is sexually assaulted. RAINN also states that approximately 94% of victims struggle with PTSD. While the statistics are upsettingly high, it is important to recognize you are not alone with what you are experiencing. Many people who have been sexually assaulted that I see in my therapy private practice struggle with thoughts related to blaming themselves for the event. Isolation is a major contributor to suffering. Being around other people who have had similar experiences, seeing a therapist who understands trauma, or going to a support group can be super beneficial to not feeling alone.
Let’s be Mindful
Mindfulness is a very popular word right now, but what does it actually mean? Mindfulness is the awareness and acceptance towards your present moment. Related to self-compassion, mindfulness would look like noticing what emotions you’re experiencing, how they feel in your body, and what is currently happening around you. We can be mindful about ourselves and our surrounding. Using grounding skills can help strength your mindfulness. It is like a muscle that gradually builds over time. Grounding is identifying what you can see, hear, smell, taste, or touch around you. Using all of your senses can bring you back to the here and now. When we aren’t mindful, we can feel like our emotions rule us. If you feel like your emotions dictate your experience, then mindful activities would be a positive focus for you.
As a licensed therapist, I help people who have experienced sexual trauma reconnect with themselves in a loving way. In our sessions we focus on decreasing self-blame by improving your ability to be compassionate towards yourself. The shame for what happened to you isn’t yours to carry. Let’s release the burden of the abuse together. I am accepting new clients virtually all across the state of Florida and in-person in Fort Myers, FL. Learn more about therapy for sexual assault survivors here
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